One of the reasons why Seth and I love Life Action is because we both have experienced a huge transformation in our lives, and have seen how it has affected the world around us. Seth has an awesome testimony that he will {hopefully} blog about soon, but right now, I'm going to share with you how the Lord has changed my life, and how He became my identity.
I hate to start my testimony off like almost everyone else that you hear, but... I'm going to anyway!
I grew up in a Christian home. My dad was the Reverend Frank Lattimore to others around us, and my parents were missionaries with American Missionary Fellowship. I "asked Jesus into my heart" at a very early age, but then did again another 697 times... just to be sure. (Because I really disliked the idea of going to hell.) Early on in my life, I experienced some abuse that rattled my world a little bit. I share that with you just because I feel like it sort of shaped me, and sexual abuse was my identity until Christ changed my life.
I went through many "on fire" moments in my life, where I was good. I read my Bible and prayed every day and I did not do bad things. But my heart was ugly. I was good in my own strength. I allowed myself to experience and taste the things that the world had to offer, and never felt bad about it. My life during the week looked like the average non-believer, but at church on Sunday, I played piano for worship time, and even led Sunday School. Nobody ever knew. I played the part of a good Christian well. Every once and a while I would say, " I'm going to stop doing this or that... I'm going to be good" and I would be "on fire" again, but it was always very short lived. I knew God loved me, but I didn't know how holy... how big... how huge He actually was and is.
I just didn't get it.
But I had asked Jesus into my heart, so I was golden.
I had my ticket.
As I started getting older and became a teenager, I see now how I always had to have a boy in my life to feel fulfilled, instead of being satisfied in Christ. I always was trying to get a boy to like me, or I had a boyfriend. As I got older, I became more and more immoral. I met Seth and we both claimed to know the Lord, but we also were immoral in our premarital relationship.
We knew that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives, so, against my parents liking, we decided to get married. We were both nineteen and knew we could live on love.
The Lord had gotten a hold of Seth's heart about a year after we were married, but my heart was hard and I was extremely prideful. We started having babies a few years into our marriage, and I started experienced lots of rage, panic attacks, and self destructive thoughts. But strange enough, we felt like we may want to go into ministry as our full time vocation. God knew that I was not ready yet. He was working on my heart though. I would see people at church raising their hands and praising the Lord during worship, and I thought, why can't I do that? What's wrong with me?
Then, God started placing good friends in my life who had an authentic love relationship with Him. They did not pressure me or preach to me; they just lived their lives authentically and spoke truth gently into my life when it was necessary. Seth was also modeling a genuine love for Jesus, and he was so patient with me.
All this time, I still thought I was saved, but still trying in my own flesh and will power to just be good. My heart was still so far from the Truth.
One spring when I was about twenty-four, those good friends of mine were going on a women's retreat, and I decided to join them. It was the last day there, and the Lord blasted me with a taste of Who He is. I was praising Him, but so doubting what He was capable of. He knew my doubt, but He gave me a glimpse of Who He is anyway. That glimpse brought me to my knees with arms stretched to the heavens. That was not low enough to the ground for His holiness, so I laid on the floor with my face on the ground. (And I am not exaggerating one bit.) I remember thinking that I needed to dig a hole to put my face in because not even the floor was low enough for the glory of God. I knew, at that moment, that my God was the same God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and that He was still capable of everything He did in the Old Testament, and that He is still moving today.
My life was changed from that point on. I went home in complete awe of the Lord. The pride in my heart was revealed to me, and sin from my past haunted me until I confessed it to those I had offended. Even though I did not bow my head, close my eyes and say, "Dear Jesus, please come into my heart" I know that was the point of my salvation. That was the day that I made Jesus Lord of my life. I loved Jesus and wanted to obey Him because out of love for Him. And I knew that He loved me.
Now, I could raise my hands in worship and understand how the other people in church could do that as well. They did it out of a grateful heart for what the Lord did for them, and for Who He is. I got it. I understood. I could not keep my hands down any longer. I had to praise Him!
Proverbs 9:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." That is the best way for me to tell others what happened on that day about six years ago; I truly feared the Lord! I knew then what He is capable of and how magnificent He is. From that point on, the desire to know Him more has continued to grow. God has given me a compassion and awareness for people around me, and I see how Him changing me has affected my world around me.
Since then, I have also noticed how the Lord has been pointing out areas in my life that need work. He started with our marriage. Then the healing process started for the abuse issues in my life. He is still working on that, but I see progress! My extreme anger and rage have dissipated, and have not had another panic attack. I am not completely stuck in a rut any more, living the life of a hypocrite. I am able to be transparent and real, and be okay with "real". I am a work in progress, living in abundant grace from Jesus Christ.
It was then, and only then, when God shook me to my core, (after changing my Seth's heart as well) that He saw fit to propel Seth and I into ministry as our full-time vocation at Life Action Ministries.
And we are so excited!
This is a song that I feel is sort of my story. It is one of my favorites, and I hope you enjoy it too.
